World Cup of Hockey is set to begin next week. ( The Ultimate World Cup of Hockey Preview LeBron James: A Performance for the Ages RIP to the GOAT RIP Muhammad Ali: The GOAT Steph and the Warriors down the Thunder, advancing to the NBA finals. Steph and the Warriors came out to play

Who Should the Newly Single Derek Jeter Date Next?

Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly in happier (?) times. (Jessica Rinaldi/Reuters/Landov)

Friday morning, as the Eastern seaboard switched into panic mode/Defcon five/red alert, NYC was hit with some news that may rival the impact of the impending hurricane: Derek Jeter and his girlfriend of three years, Lyla Garrity, have called it quits. Us New Yorkers really thought that our beloved Captain had met his match with this one. It was just last month that we watched Minka wipe away her happy tears and excitedly hug Jeter’s dad as her boyfriend hit number 3,000. Oh well.

It’s not my place to speculate about the cause of the reportedly “amicable” split; however, as a Yankees fan, I feel it’s my duty to help a brother out by making a few suggestions as to which lovely lady he should go after next. I realize that this will be a difficult task; Jeter has a resume of gorgeous, successful exes that includes Adriana Lima, Jessica Alba, and now, Minka Kelly. Since the shortstop is quite busy in the midst of a tight pennant race, I created categories to assist him in narrowing down his search.

The Obvious Choices

Jeter has never said the wrong thing in an interview or been involved in a scandal. His public persona is near-perfect; he does and says exactly what’s expected of him. From what we know about #2, he will probably go for an obvious choice.

(a) Olivia Munn

(b) Kim Jones

(c) Mila Kunis

(d) Jennifer Lopez 

Winner: Kim Jones. Kim is beyond knowledgeable when it comes to sports and she’s known Jete for years. Plus, she’s already part of the Yankee family. C’mon, there’s chemistry here.

The Yankee Exes

Jeter is the Captain, the King of New York, Mr. October. During the offseason, he lives on an estate (read: small country) called St. Jetersburg. This isn’t a guy who is looking for sloppy seconds. Nevertheless, as I mentioned before, I’m here to help. And I see some benefits of going after a woman who (1) already knows her way to a Yankee player’s heart, and (2) already knows her way around the Yankee clubhouse. Jeter wouldn’t have to worry about explaining the game to her or introducing her to the other WAGs. For a busy guy, this is an appealing option.

(a) Kate Hudson

(b) Mary Carey

(c) Madonna

(d) Scarlett Johansson (I know, I know, she’s Jeter’s own ex, but she’s newly divorced. And she’s Scarlett Johansson.)

Winner: Mary Carey. Carey dated ex-Yankees outfielder Melky Cabrera. (Clearly, the word “dated” is a stretch, but it works here, so I’m sticking with it.) I don’t actually think that this porn star-turned-politician is a viable option for our boy, despite the fact that Jeter has reportedly dated a porn star before. I really just wanted an excuse to show you guys this.

The Cougars

Jeter doesn’t need a sugar mama, but he does need an independent, confident woman. In addition, a cougar is less likely to pressure Jeter to put a ring on it.

(a) Sharon Stone

(b) Susan Sarandon

(c) Betty White

(d) Kris Jenner

Winner: Kris Jenner. Like her daughters, Kris has a thing for athletes; her husband is Bruce Jenner. Furthermore, Kim just got hitched, Khloe is married to Lamar Odom, and Kourtney seems pretty attached to that short, whiny dude who drinks too much. So, if Derek wants a piece of Kardashian (and really, who doesn’t these days?), he’s going to have to wait for Kendall or Kylie to turn eighteen or go for the mama bear. Kris also happens to be a savvy business manager; on top of his endorsements from Gillette, Ford, Gatorade and Nike, Jeter could have his own clothing line for K-Mart, unisex cologne, weight-loss supplement, and reality show by 2012.

And the Overall Winner is (drumroll, please)…

Alex Rodriguez.  Although A-Rod and Jeter have had a well-chronicled on-again, off-again friendship,  I think it has always been true love for this duo. If you doubt me, watch as they quarrel over staying at each other’s apartments and who bought who the best Christmas gift. Despite Jeter’s apparent aversion to settling down, if he ever changes his mind, these two can now legally get married in the state of New York…

I want to give shout outs to Sports of New York writer Argun and my little brother Jake for helping me think of ideas for this post. Thanks, guys.

Tags: ,


One comment for “Who Should the Newly Single Derek Jeter Date Next?”

  1. New Post: Who Should the Newly Single Derek Jeter Date Next?

    Posted by Sports of New York | August 27, 2011, 5:21 am

Post a comment